New Beginnings...maybe

The last few weeks have been busy, no that is a lie. I've enjoyed netflix as a distraction from all the worry and unknowns in our lives. It has just felt mentally busy! I'm trying not to worry about our impending move and how long hubby and I will be apart. I know that God is in control and I just have to trust that He has a plan in all of this chaos.

I've started to track my cycle and am checking my temps and all that jazz and finally bought some ovulation predictor tests. I've been on the fence about when we should try again and now hubby and I are discussing trying early. There are a lot of consequences to that decision so I have been praying and really thinking about it. I don't want to jump the gun and end up with another molar pregnancy and I want to the Lord's timing for this. But it is also hard to be patient sometimes. Th reality is that we aren't getting any younger and if we want 2 living children, well then we better get moving. It's not that we are old but with military retirement (if they don't screw that up) hubby will be getting out in his late 30's or 40's (if he does some extra time). Plus if you keep waiting for the "perfect" time then we will both be old and no good by then. It is hard after a miscarriage to really know when the "right" time is. I feel like I am emotionally healed but it is all a matter of whether my body has actually healed from the partial molar and miscarriage. So right now I am facing the excitement of trying again and the fear of another miscarriage or a repeat molar. I can't really say that I am leaving it all up to the Lord's will if I'm using temping and obsessively peeing on tests to see when I get a line......

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.

This is what negative feels like

So the last few nights I have been having weird dreams and emotional highs and lows. I started to get a little concerned because those are all things I had when I was pregnant. I went for my blood draw this morning and my hcg levels are now at 2. My doctor initially wanted me under 1 but the nurse said they decided that 2 is negative by most lab standards and they were okay with it. I now go to monthlies and then hopefully we be cleared to ttc in a few months. This has been such an emotional journey. I've done my best to keep things in and get out my frustration at the box instead of turning to these: http://thelaughinggiraffe.com/. Crack in a bag, seriously.

I've decided there are a lot of things out of my control, including ttc (trying to conceive) and so I'm just going to focus on living. I'm enjoying CrossFit right now and all the improvements I've been making. I can finally do kipping pull ups and am feeling stronger in a lot of my lifts. I'm just going to eat well, train hard, and live life fully.

Included in living was cleaning my house. I have been so down and out lately that besides CF all I do is watch netflix and veg most of the day. I finally got off my rear and cleaned my house (well the downstairs- gotta save something for Friday :) . I'm sure my hubby will be thankful that the house is mostly clean and his wife is showered and dressed. Now dinner, that I can't promise. I got ahead of myself this morning and ran when I should have given my feet a few more days/weeks to heal. They are not happy with me at all. I should clarify that ran means only 2, 400 Meter runs. Now they ache and it hurts to be on them at all.

I think I might have to go get some of the crack in a bag balls and celebrate with the hubby tonight. We, well I, am finally negative and getting back on track to being able to ttc and that is something to celebrate. After 14 weeks I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel....

So my mind has been running non-stop lately, to the point I couldn't sleep last night or even relax today during acupuncture. I've been a little bothered the last few days because I have been having a tough time with the loss of our baby, the molar issue, and just everything. It pains me that miscarriage is such a taboo topic and nobody wants to talk about it. Sure it isn't rainbows and unicorns but is life ever? It hurts when people think that you should just get over it and that it is silly to grieve for such a short life. My baby, Lael Grace may have only survived for 8 weeks and 1 day but that doesn't change the love that I had for her (gut instinct, if not, in heaven my son might be really confused with me) and it doesn't change the fact that it was a life that was lost. So I have decided to write a WOD (workout of the day) for October 15 in support of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This WOD is for all babies gone too soon. I also decided to write one for our Lael Grace that I will do on May 12, which is the day we found out that we lost her.

Angel Baby WOD
Power Cleans & Burpee Ladder
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
So you do 10 power cleans and 10 burpees, then 9, 8, 7 etc, and then all the way down to 1.

Lael Grace Remembrance WOD
57 Power Snatches for time
Baby Lael lived for about 8 weeks and 1 day so I just figured about 57 days, so 57 reps.

Been a while

It has been a while since I last checked in here and not a whole lot has changed. I made it past the 1 month and 2 month anniversary since we lost our baby and most days are somewhat back to normal. My hcg is at 6 which is still not negative. According to my doctor and their lab, I have to get to 1 or below to be considered negative. This has been such a long journey and the biggest lesson I have learned is that I have to let things go because I don't have control over anything. I'm still working on this one.....

As I was thinking of all the trinkets and breakables that I need to start packing for our move I thought about a certain precious moments figurine that is like a mix between the awkward situation and a sign of hope. When my hubby and I first decided to start ttc all those years ago he bought me a figurine of woman with a baby bump and a baby name book on her lap. Well fast forward almost 6 years later and still no baby. I joked with him after we got our bfp that it finally fit our story now but I guess I spoke too soon.

There are some days when I am reminded of things and it is really painful. Like realizing that I would be 20 weeks and finding out the sex of our baby. That I would be having a beautiful Christmas blessing. Instead I feel empty and barren and our lives feel like chaos right now. I don't know where I will be living in a month or if my hubby will be with me or in another state.

Such is life I guess and the lesson I need to learn..... control.

It seems like I have a lot of days that are good and then a few that are just really bad. It is getting really hard to take all these pregnancy announcements and sex announcements on facebook. It's not that I'm not happy that these people get to be blessed with another child or that they get to find out if they are having a boy or girl it's just that well, it sucks right now. It is so hard to know that all these other people get to keep their babies and yet I had to lose mine.

The last few days were really, really good days. I got through the day with no tears and anger and even was able to buy something for our future children. Though it seemed like a good idea at the time to buy the beautiful, new and expensive crib for just a cheap 40 bucks I am now regretting that decision. I find myself staring at the box as I type and thinking about the what if's and when's and why's.

My numbers are now down below 100 and though I should be ecstatic and optimistic there is a part of me that is scared to death to be happy just yet. I read so many stories of women dropping quickly only to stop and eventually have to get chemo. As the nurse told me she thought I would be negative next week it got my mind racing of all the possibilities and I find myself anxious now to get my next draw. These last few weeks I have been very neutral about it all and have tried not to think about what my levels should be because I just know that my heart can't take much more. I'm really tired of putting on my big girl panties and being so happy for everyone else while I have to hold my sorrow and grief inside because people just don't want to see it. People always ask how you are but they don't really want to hear about how badly your heart is hurting and they don't even posses the ability to understand the depths of your pain and sorrow. When my time does come again and I do get to become a mom I pray that I don't forget the pain and sorrow I have suffered through and I'm not an insenstivie to those that are suffering around me.

This blog is being taken over- by life!

March 13, 2011. Our 7th anniversary and a fresh start to a new year of marriage for my husband and I. The previous year had some ups and downs and we had come a long way from all those trials. We decided to take a little getaway and just go enjoy ourselves. Our 7th anniversary also marked another special occasion and one that changed our lives in the blink of an eye.

I have always had irregular cycles, well at least since I was 18 and had my first experience with birth control. My cycle was a few days late and then eventually I had some light spotting. My body is anything but normal so I brushed it off until I noticed that my breasts were extremely sore. I gave it a few days and still never got a normal period. I picked up a cheap pregnancy test just to rule that out and on April 4, 2011 I got a positive!! I called my husband at work (4:30 am) and told him the wonderful news. We were both completely surprised and overjoyed. We had waited 5 long years for this moment and couldn’t believe it had finally happened. We have had false positives before so I called my doctors office and requested a blood draw to confirm my pregnancy. Fast forward to Wednesday around noon and I got the call from the doctor’s office- positive!! The first week or so I think we were both just in shock. We had tried and tried and never expected it would just happen on its own. This was our miracle baby and a baby that was conceived out of love and on our anniversary. After another week or so things seemed to be going along smoothly until one morning I found some blood when I went to the bathroom. I’ve always had problems with frequent bladder infections so I wasn’t sure what to make of it. About 20 minutes later I went to the bathroom again and there was even more blood. I called my husband and we decided to go to urgent care just to make sure the baby was okay. After a long day in urgent care and the ER, we came out exhausted and hungry and no more answers than when I went in. I had some sort of bleed and the baby was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days but they couldn’t find a heartbeat and were afraid I might miscarry. I was put on pelvic rest and told to take it easy for a few days. I took it easy and got lots of rest and didn’t have any bleeding after that morning so I thought everything was okay. I got back to CrossFit but took things easy and got back to the last few weeks of school. I had to wait a few more weeks for my OB appointment and we weren’t happy about that but I did the best I could to be patient. Then on Friday May 6, 2011, I passed one small red clot. I immediately freaked out but I didn’t have any bleeding or any other issues. I told my mom about it and she said that happened with one of us kids and not to worry. I had a big workshop that weekend so I tried to take it easy and not worry too much, after all I was still completely exhausted and felt just as pregnant as the day before.

Finally the big day, May 12, 2011!! We went in for our first OB appointment. We were beyond excited to see our baby for the first time. The doctor did a pelvic exam and asked some questions and then we got prepped for the vaginal ultrasound. I looked at the little screen that was perfectly positioned for my viewing and my heart immediately sunk. This was our first baby and first ultrasound (that we were allowed to see) but I knew that something was not right. She too k some measurements and moved the wand around for a few minutes and we all sat there in silence. I knew before she even said it, we had lost the baby. Our sweet baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and 1 day. My whole world just came crashing down on me. The baby we had cried for, prayed for, and loved so much was gone. My heart was absolutely broken. The doctor wanted to be absolutely sure so she sent us off to a prenatal ultrasound place to get a better ultrasound before we made any decisions. The tech and the doctor there confirmed my doctor’s findings. My doctor then called to give me the options on what we wanted to do. They were concerned about my body not miscarrying naturally so she gave me the choice of doing a medication at home or doing a d & c. I was initially drawn to the idea of the medication because I could do it in the privacy of my own home but my husband practically faints at the sight of blood and I was concerned about both of us needing care in that event. After talking with some family member s that had d & c’s I decided to go that route. On May 14, 2011 I had a d & c and said our final goodbye to our sweet baby. The first few days were really hard but the worst was still yet to come. The next week my surgeon called to tell me that the pathology report came back. I had no idea they were even going to run any tests so I realized something must be wrong. She informed me that they believed I had a partial molar pregnancy and that I needed to be monitored because if not it could potentially become cancerous. My world came crashing down for the 2nd time in less than 2 weeks. A partial molar pregnancy is either where 2 sperm fertilize one egg and the baby has 69 chromosomes or where the sperm fertilizes and empty egg and so the baby has only 23 chromosomes. Either way the baby cannot survive and eventually stops developing. Often, the body doesn’t realize this and so you still feel pregnant and still produce hcg. It is important that your numbers drop all the way back down to negative because if your hcg levels remain elevated or increase than it can be a sign that something is wrong. Basically, the abnormal tissue from your pregnancy can still be in your body and since it is foreign it is like a cancer to your body. So now we are testing weekly and just waiting to see what my levels do.

This has all been an experience I never thought I would have to go through. I read how common miscarriage was in early pregnancy but I guess it is just one of those things that you think won’t happen to you. After all, this was our miracle baby and it just seemed so perfect and like God’s timing. We had even begun to pick up a few things for the baby because we were just so excited and happy to start a family.

After some thought, we decided it was important to give our sweet baby a name. I had felt that we were having a girl so we decided on the name Lael Grace. Lael is Hebrew for of God. It was because of God’s grace and mercy that He took our sweet baby because she just could not survive and now she is back in His loving arms.

We are just taking things a day at a time and trusting that God has a plan for us and that there was a reason for this. There are some days where it is hard not to be bitter that people who don’t even really care get to keep their baby’s and yet you didn’t. It was from these thoughts though that I realized that maybe if it had happened to these people that they still wouldn’t care then therefore they couldn’t help someone else because they wouldn’t fully understand. I couldn’t see someone who didn’t really care being able to minister to a couple who had been trying for 10 years to have a baby had a miscarriage. It is those who have softened hearts and gentle souls that can reach out to others and share in their pain and sorrow. I pray that God can use this situation for good and that I will have a soft and gentle heart to others who are going through the same thing and I am able to minister and comfort them. I find that getting advice from someone who has never been dirty, never been so low that only God could scoop them up and never had any trials in life is like trying to get advice from a magic 8 ball. They just can’t possibly begin to understand the depth of the pain and sorrow. I think it is often those people who do more harm than good in situations like this and often end up hurting the sufferer’s feelings because they just don’t get it.

Since I was a teenager, I have struggled with depression and low self-esteem. I looked to other people to determine my own self worth instead of turning to God. Things got a little better for a few years but I have battled so much over the last few years that I firmly believe that God is going to do something with all of it. I have battled numerous health problems, not serious enough to be life threatening but serious enough that they have greatly changed my life. I have battled an eating disorder and body image issues and admittedly there are still some days where I find myself battling those mentalities again. I have also had so many great things happen in my life that I am truly grateful for. I am grateful for my wonderful husband, grateful for my family, and grateful for all my friends. I am thankful that I found CrossFit and have not only made some great friends but have also found that beauty is not in the size you wear or the number on the scale but how you feel and how healthy you are. I may not wear a size 2 anymore but I can dead lift and squat and lift things I never thought I could. I can climb ropes (most days J ) , flip tires, and just do a lot of bad ass stuff that I couldn’t do before. I was so skinny and sick I couldn’t even lift 30 pounds let alone get a period on my own. Even though I found weights before CrossFit, it is CrossFit that makes me love it and love myself for the way that I am. I may not be perfect, I may have some cellulite but you know what it’s not because I sit on my butt and do nothing all day long. It is because it is genetic and unless I starve myself and get down to 100 pounds, it is still going to be there.

So I know that one day I will be thankful for the lessons from this experience but it may just take a while……

photo- I had no idea when I put that test in the box, a symbol of the most precious thing in the world to me, that I would be giving my baby right back to Jesus. Only Jesus can mend my broken heart.