March 13, 2011. Our 7th anniversary and a fresh start to a new year of marriage for my husband and I. The previous year had some ups and downs and we had come a long way from all those trials. We decided to take a little getaway and just go enjoy ourselves. Our 7th anniversary also marked another special occasion and one that changed our lives in the blink of an eye.
I have always had irregular cycles, well at least since I was 18 and had my first experience with birth control. My cycle was a few days late and then eventually I had some light spotting. My body is anything but normal so I brushed it off until I noticed that my breasts were extremely sore. I gave it a few days and still never got a normal period. I picked up a cheap pregnancy test just to rule that out and on April 4, 2011 I got a positive!! I called my husband at work (4:30 am) and told him the wonderful news. We were both completely surprised and overjoyed. We had waited 5 long years for this moment and couldn’t believe it had finally happened. We have had false positives before so I called my doctors office and requested a blood draw to confirm my pregnancy. Fast forward to Wednesday around noon and I got the call from the doctor’s office- positive!! The first week or so I think we were both just in shock. We had tried and tried and never expected it would just happen on its own. This was our miracle baby and a baby that was conceived out of love and on our anniversary. After another week or so things seemed to be going along smoothly until one morning I found some blood when I went to the bathroom. I’ve always had problems with frequent bladder infections so I wasn’t sure what to make of it. About 20 minutes later I went to the bathroom again and there was even more blood. I called my husband and we decided to go to urgent care just to make sure the baby was okay. After a long day in urgent care and the ER, we came out exhausted and hungry and no more answers than when I went in. I had some sort of bleed and the baby was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days but they couldn’t find a heartbeat and were afraid I might miscarry. I was put on pelvic rest and told to take it easy for a few days. I took it easy and got lots of rest and didn’t have any bleeding after that morning so I thought everything was okay. I got back to CrossFit but took things easy and got back to the last few weeks of school. I had to wait a few more weeks for my OB appointment and we weren’t happy about that but I did the best I could to be patient. Then on Friday May 6, 2011, I passed one small red clot. I immediately freaked out but I didn’t have any bleeding or any other issues. I told my mom about it and she said that happened with one of us kids and not to worry. I had a big workshop that weekend so I tried to take it easy and not worry too much, after all I was still completely exhausted and felt just as pregnant as the day before.
Finally the big day, May 12, 2011!! We went in for our first OB appointment. We were beyond excited to see our baby for the first time. The doctor did a pelvic exam and asked some questions and then we got prepped for the vaginal ultrasound. I looked at the little screen that was perfectly positioned for my viewing and my heart immediately sunk. This was our first baby and first ultrasound (that we were allowed to see) but I knew that something was not right. She too k some measurements and moved the wand around for a few minutes and we all sat there in silence. I knew before she even said it, we had lost the baby. Our sweet baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and 1 day. My whole world just came crashing down on me. The baby we had cried for, prayed for, and loved so much was gone. My heart was absolutely broken. The doctor wanted to be absolutely sure so she sent us off to a prenatal ultrasound place to get a better ultrasound before we made any decisions. The tech and the doctor there confirmed my doctor’s findings. My doctor then called to give me the options on what we wanted to do. They were concerned about my body not miscarrying naturally so she gave me the choice of doing a medication at home or doing a d & c. I was initially drawn to the idea of the medication because I could do it in the privacy of my own home but my husband practically faints at the sight of blood and I was concerned about both of us needing care in that event. After talking with some family member s that had d & c’s I decided to go that route. On May 14, 2011 I had a d & c and said our final goodbye to our sweet baby. The first few days were really hard but the worst was still yet to come. The next week my surgeon called to tell me that the pathology report came back. I had no idea they were even going to run any tests so I realized something must be wrong. She informed me that they believed I had a partial molar pregnancy and that I needed to be monitored because if not it could potentially become cancerous. My world came crashing down for the 2nd time in less than 2 weeks. A partial molar pregnancy is either where 2 sperm fertilize one egg and the baby has 69 chromosomes or where the sperm fertilizes and empty egg and so the baby has only 23 chromosomes. Either way the baby cannot survive and eventually stops developing. Often, the body doesn’t realize this and so you still feel pregnant and still produce hcg. It is important that your numbers drop all the way back down to negative because if your hcg levels remain elevated or increase than it can be a sign that something is wrong. Basically, the abnormal tissue from your pregnancy can still be in your body and since it is foreign it is like a cancer to your body. So now we are testing weekly and just waiting to see what my levels do.
This has all been an experience I never thought I would have to go through. I read how common miscarriage was in early pregnancy but I guess it is just one of those things that you think won’t happen to you. After all, this was our miracle baby and it just seemed so perfect and like God’s timing. We had even begun to pick up a few things for the baby because we were just so excited and happy to start a family.
After some thought, we decided it was important to give our sweet baby a name. I had felt that we were having a girl so we decided on the name Lael Grace. Lael is Hebrew for of God. It was because of God’s grace and mercy that He took our sweet baby because she just could not survive and now she is back in His loving arms.
We are just taking things a day at a time and trusting that God has a plan for us and that there was a reason for this. There are some days where it is hard not to be bitter that people who don’t even really care get to keep their baby’s and yet you didn’t. It was from these thoughts though that I realized that maybe if it had happened to these people that they still wouldn’t care then therefore they couldn’t help someone else because they wouldn’t fully understand. I couldn’t see someone who didn’t really care being able to minister to a couple who had been trying for 10 years to have a baby had a miscarriage. It is those who have softened hearts and gentle souls that can reach out to others and share in their pain and sorrow. I pray that God can use this situation for good and that I will have a soft and gentle heart to others who are going through the same thing and I am able to minister and comfort them. I find that getting advice from someone who has never been dirty, never been so low that only God could scoop them up and never had any trials in life is like trying to get advice from a magic 8 ball. They just can’t possibly begin to understand the depth of the pain and sorrow. I think it is often those people who do more harm than good in situations like this and often end up hurting the sufferer’s feelings because they just don’t get it.
Since I was a teenager, I have struggled with depression and low self-esteem. I looked to other people to determine my own self worth instead of turning to God. Things got a little better for a few years but I have battled so much over the last few years that I firmly believe that God is going to do something with all of it. I have battled numerous health problems, not serious enough to be life threatening but serious enough that they have greatly changed my life. I have battled an eating disorder and body image issues and admittedly there are still some days where I find myself battling those mentalities again. I have also had so many great things happen in my life that I am truly grateful for. I am grateful for my wonderful husband, grateful for my family, and grateful for all my friends. I am thankful that I found CrossFit and have not only made some great friends but have also found that beauty is not in the size you wear or the number on the scale but how you feel and how healthy you are. I may not wear a size 2 anymore but I can dead lift and squat and lift things I never thought I could. I can climb ropes (most days J ) , flip tires, and just do a lot of bad ass stuff that I couldn’t do before. I was so skinny and sick I couldn’t even lift 30 pounds let alone get a period on my own. Even though I found weights before CrossFit, it is CrossFit that makes me love it and love myself for the way that I am. I may not be perfect, I may have some cellulite but you know what it’s not because I sit on my butt and do nothing all day long. It is because it is genetic and unless I starve myself and get down to 100 pounds, it is still going to be there.
So I know that one day I will be thankful for the lessons from this experience but it may just take a while……
photo- I had no idea when I put that test in the box, a symbol of the most precious thing in the world to me, that I would be giving my baby right back to Jesus. Only Jesus can mend my broken heart.
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