It seems like I have a lot of days that are good and then a few that are just really bad. It is getting really hard to take all these pregnancy announcements and sex announcements on facebook. It's not that I'm not happy that these people get to be blessed with another child or that they get to find out if they are having a boy or girl it's just that well, it sucks right now. It is so hard to know that all these other people get to keep their babies and yet I had to lose mine.

The last few days were really, really good days. I got through the day with no tears and anger and even was able to buy something for our future children. Though it seemed like a good idea at the time to buy the beautiful, new and expensive crib for just a cheap 40 bucks I am now regretting that decision. I find myself staring at the box as I type and thinking about the what if's and when's and why's.

My numbers are now down below 100 and though I should be ecstatic and optimistic there is a part of me that is scared to death to be happy just yet. I read so many stories of women dropping quickly only to stop and eventually have to get chemo. As the nurse told me she thought I would be negative next week it got my mind racing of all the possibilities and I find myself anxious now to get my next draw. These last few weeks I have been very neutral about it all and have tried not to think about what my levels should be because I just know that my heart can't take much more. I'm really tired of putting on my big girl panties and being so happy for everyone else while I have to hold my sorrow and grief inside because people just don't want to see it. People always ask how you are but they don't really want to hear about how badly your heart is hurting and they don't even posses the ability to understand the depths of your pain and sorrow. When my time does come again and I do get to become a mom I pray that I don't forget the pain and sorrow I have suffered through and I'm not an insenstivie to those that are suffering around me.